Just when I thought my heart was full...

(courtesy of http://www.gingersnapsyou.ca/)

Amnay has arrived! He was born on September 26th, weighing 8 lbs, 13 oz. It's now the 12th day of his life here on earth, and I can't believe how many feelings have rose and swelled in my heart since the moment he was born.

I had known this little boy was coming, even before I discovered I was pregnant. It was just a knowing that only a mom-to-be can have. Amnay had given me the honour of sensing his presence before he came. He came into the world, screaming a kind of bloodcurdling scream (who wouldn't after having been inside a warm womb, and then pushed out into the cold?), and was laid on my belly, where he immediately began looking around and seeming to listen to what was going on around him. It was hard, as I had suspected to look into his face with the uncertainty of when his dad would be able to join us, and with the disappointment that he couldnt be there for his son's arrival. However, even though I was sad, I was also filled with joy at the same time, looking into the eyes of my son, knowing he had deliberately come to me and his dad after hearing our strong desire to have him. "What a brave boy you are" I whispered to him. I am not sure, but I suspect that it is not an easy thing to do to leave the comforts of heaven and come down to earth to experience things like human emotions, loss, pain, sadness, and at that realization, I have vowed to do the best I can to guide this little one on his way.

I have 3 other children, and I am sure that when they were born, I also vowed to do the same for them as well. However, now older and wiser (I hope), through my own experiences I was looking at this little boy with different eyes, with a heightened sense of the fact that he may have come with a very deliberate purpose, and now that I think I understand the committment he would have had to make, I look at his arrival with amazement admiration gratitude and awe. He also would have come with the knowledge that his father and I planned and yearned for him to be with us, loving each other so much that we wanted to share this special gift and bond between us for the rest of our lives.

For the first week with Amnay, I just looked into his eyes, and tried to let him know that I was aware of his gift to us. I think he felt that, because after just one short week of life, he smiled at me! And no, it wasn't the "gas smile", it was the real thing (a mom knows!). Just this morning, I asked him, "Are you happy you came?" and he immediately responded with a half-smile, kind of a smirk as if to say, "You have no idea".

(courtesy of http://www.gingersnapsyou.ca/)

Now as I watch him breastfeeding or sleeping, or looking around at his surroundings, I am reminded what is so very important  in this life. What I thought was challenging is not that hard anymore, what I thought was love was just the tip of the iceberg...what I thought life was all about has all changed, and all because of my little velvet-headed, beautiful boy whom I prayed for. I'm sure he knew what impact his arrival would have on me. No wonder he's smirking... :)

As for Me...

I was growing a baby this summer!

Hanging on to Summer...

I can't believe that it's already the third week of August! The cicadas have already begun buzzing, bringing me back to childhood when their "song" reminded me that school was just around the corner again. If I get up early enough and stick my head out the door, the air smells like September, so thoughts of teaching and school supplies once again enter my brain.
It has been an uneventful, but good summer. The kids have been relaxing, as have I. We spent hours and hours in grandma and grandpa's pool, which was a great refuge from baby weight and water retention for me!

A couple of Mahlia's adventures...

Making tents in the living room and staying up late...

Spending quality time with big brother...

There are still 2 weeks left! We're still hanging on...

Expecting....

I am now 8 months pregnant. It's hard to believe that in about 2 months, I will be meeting our son for the first time. I imagine myself, looking into his (probably) dark brown eyes,  and kissing his brown skin. I am trying not to imagine what it will be like to deliver this baby alone, without his dad...which could be a real possibility. As for now, I am just trying to have as normal existence as I can as a (seemingly) single pregnant woman, with two other children to care for. I have to wonder sometimes, though, what was on this baby's mind, as he entered my womb 8 months ago? Did he know that he would be developing inside a woman who would face alot of emotional aches and hurts? Did he know that his parents would struggle just to get through every day with their broken hearts? Did he know if his dad would be present as he made his entrance into this world? Did he know that his mom would suffer through sleepless nights, wondering about tomorrow?

I have to believe that he did know all that, and despite the challenges he knew he would be a part of, he decided to become a part of our world, his dad's, mine, and my kids'. Because of his insistence on being here with us, I have hope that he knows something good is coming our way. The here and now is just a small part of  what is to come. When loneliness, fatigue, and physical and emotional aches set in, I remember the determination of a small soul that is waiting to be here, waiting to start a human life on this earth, having chosen my husband and I as parents.

In the meantime, there is so much to do! My two other children who live with me, a moody 13 year old boy, and an enthusiastic, exuberant 10 year old girl need me to be present for them, in mind and body, and I must be strong with them in mind. I am also preparing for the arrival of my husband, in making some home renovations. This has been a great way to keep a positive outlook about his timely arrival. I also have a 20 year old, who will hopefully start college this fall, and with this, comes many financial responsibilities as well. I hope and pray that I can be everything to everyone who needs me.

Still forging ahead...

Pictures by: http://www.gingersnapsyou.ca/

I Got the Call!!

The last time I blogged, I was outlining all the emotions I have gone through while following my heart. I had hemmed and hawed, and in the end, my heart won the fight with my head. I did follow my emotions to another land on the other side of the ocean, and more than once! I once again had my faith in love renewed. It's hard to always know if you are taking the right path when dealing with matters of the heart. Expecially when it involves taking a HUGE leap of faith, and laying your life in another's hands. However, despite negative past experiences, I have not regret once second of taking those leaps, as in doing so, I have really had the chance to open up my mind and soul and heart to so many different experiences that seem to have been put in front of me, like gifts from heaven.

To me, adversity does not indicate failure or weakness, but opportunities for growth and development. And in the end, isn't it those with the most growth and development that become the most enlightened, and with the most love to give as a result? How would I be fully equipped to give of my whole self, if I had not first grown and learned so much about myself?

Now, as a result, I am embarking on a whole new chapter in this story, and the beginning of the end of the story. I am very excited to become a mother once again, sharing the miracle of conception with someone whom I have devoted the rest of my life to, and who has also taken a huge leap of faith in embarking on parenthood for the very first time...with me. I feel so blessed to have this chance once again, to have a whole family, to begin life again, to teach my children to find their happiness and to not settle for anything less. We can't wait for our little boy to arrive, and have already named him "Amnay", a Berber name which means "knight". We can't wait to meet our little knight and share a life together, teaching him about unconditional love, a world of possibilities to find happiness, and a love between mother and father that is as it should be... everlasting and strong. I hope Amnay doesn't mind, but he will be the "glue" that binds all of us together, a star of hope in the middle of the vast sky that stretches between 2 continents and 2 cultures.

How lucky are we, to be part of such a miraculous and wonderful plan? How lucky are we?!

Our next challenge is to keep the faith while we are apart. It has been one of the hardest things I have had to do. Expecting such a miracle, and not having the "Daddy" around to share in the daily miracles of pregnancy has been almost unbearable. However, we know that every step of this story has been meant to be, so we try each day, through tears and frustration to keep positive and to look toward the future. We asked this little boy to come into our lives, and he came! He must have known there was something wonderful worth coming for, and I couldn't agree with him more. If you are reading this blog, please keep our family in your positive thoughts and prayers, in the name of hope, faith, and true love. Hopefully someday soon, we will all be together again, and you will see one of my next blogs with a full family portrait!

How lucky are we?!? :)