Just when I thought my heart was full...

(courtesy of http://www.gingersnapsyou.ca/)

Amnay has arrived! He was born on September 26th, weighing 8 lbs, 13 oz. It's now the 12th day of his life here on earth, and I can't believe how many feelings have rose and swelled in my heart since the moment he was born.

I had known this little boy was coming, even before I discovered I was pregnant. It was just a knowing that only a mom-to-be can have. Amnay had given me the honour of sensing his presence before he came. He came into the world, screaming a kind of bloodcurdling scream (who wouldn't after having been inside a warm womb, and then pushed out into the cold?), and was laid on my belly, where he immediately began looking around and seeming to listen to what was going on around him. It was hard, as I had suspected to look into his face with the uncertainty of when his dad would be able to join us, and with the disappointment that he couldnt be there for his son's arrival. However, even though I was sad, I was also filled with joy at the same time, looking into the eyes of my son, knowing he had deliberately come to me and his dad after hearing our strong desire to have him. "What a brave boy you are" I whispered to him. I am not sure, but I suspect that it is not an easy thing to do to leave the comforts of heaven and come down to earth to experience things like human emotions, loss, pain, sadness, and at that realization, I have vowed to do the best I can to guide this little one on his way.

I have 3 other children, and I am sure that when they were born, I also vowed to do the same for them as well. However, now older and wiser (I hope), through my own experiences I was looking at this little boy with different eyes, with a heightened sense of the fact that he may have come with a very deliberate purpose, and now that I think I understand the committment he would have had to make, I look at his arrival with amazement admiration gratitude and awe. He also would have come with the knowledge that his father and I planned and yearned for him to be with us, loving each other so much that we wanted to share this special gift and bond between us for the rest of our lives.

For the first week with Amnay, I just looked into his eyes, and tried to let him know that I was aware of his gift to us. I think he felt that, because after just one short week of life, he smiled at me! And no, it wasn't the "gas smile", it was the real thing (a mom knows!). Just this morning, I asked him, "Are you happy you came?" and he immediately responded with a half-smile, kind of a smirk as if to say, "You have no idea".

(courtesy of http://www.gingersnapsyou.ca/)

Now as I watch him breastfeeding or sleeping, or looking around at his surroundings, I am reminded what is so very important  in this life. What I thought was challenging is not that hard anymore, what I thought was love was just the tip of the iceberg...what I thought life was all about has all changed, and all because of my little velvet-headed, beautiful boy whom I prayed for. I'm sure he knew what impact his arrival would have on me. No wonder he's smirking... :)