My Soul is Calling

I think I have done it. Through all the problems, the challenges and tears, the angst and upset, I think I have reached a level of enlightenment which has allowed my soul to communicate important messages with the rest of me...

I have made a lot of "mistakes" in my short life (36 is not that long yet!), and I started early, with a teenage pregnancy, a marriage to someone who was not on the same "page" as I was. However, amidst those "mistakes", I managed to finish highschool, get my university degree, go back to school and get my teaching degree, all the while raising 3 great kids, most of the time as. a single parent.

Over the course of these developments, some really great things happened as well. I found my birth father and mother, and a sister, I made some great friends, I found myself, my strength, my voice, and I found love.

That's why I have no regrets. I am happy, I have a good job which I enjoy, I have friends who support me, and make me feel so loved! I have my kids, who can't imagine being away from me for too long, and I have someone who loves me with all his being. God has opened my eyes to other ways of thinking, other ways of worshipping him, new faces, new languages, new families, and allowed me the opportunity to see parts of His beautiful world that I never thought I would. He has given me the courage to continue to love, even though my heart has been broken before. He is always by my side, hearing everything I need.

My soul is calling, and I can't ignore it. Hang on, I'm coming!

Spread My Wings and Fly!

It's funny, you would think having the whole summer off would allow me to get on here to post more blogs, not drop off the face of the earth completely! Since finishing the last day of school at the end of June, I have basically done whatever I please, getting up late, forgetting what day of the week it is, or what the date is, meeting friends for dinner, coffee or beer, and going on mini-excusions with the kids. I LOVE SUMMER!!

I never feel so free as I do during July and August. It is the recharging time that I so desperately need after 10 months of exhaustion. It's no wonder I go into "sleep" mode during this time. And, after some major life changes this spring, summer has been the perfect opportunity to spread my wings and fly.

Change in our lives usually means we have learned some pretty important lessons, and I am no exception. Looking back over the past 3 years, boy have my eyes been opened, and my backbone stronger that it was before! I finally know what I need, know what I am doing, know what I want, and know what not to compromise on! Yey! I know who my true friends are, I know where I am headed in life, I know what I want for my kids, and I know what to stand up for. The only thing I don't know is what is in store for me next. As I soar over the pain and confusion that once consumed me, I can't see what will come my way next. But now, I embrace the unknown, because I am better equipped to face pitfalls and uncertainties. Now it is an adventure! Now I go on scary rides (like the Sky Streak at Marineland), I take chances, I try things at least once, I AM NOT AFRAID!!

Can't wait to read the next chapter!

Happy Summer!!!!

On My Own

This week, I just came to the realization that I am really on my own.

As it turns out, no matter how much I would like to, I can't wiggle my way into the forefront of anyone's life. The things I thought were special, are not necessarily special to anyone else, and I can't make anyone understand how much something means to me.

The old saying, "You can bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." comes to mind when I think about this dilemma. You can express to someone how much you might need something, but that doesn't mean they will validate you by filling you up with what you need.

However, it seems to me (and maybe I'm wrong here, feel free to comment...) that if you are closely linked to someone, and you both mean a lot to each other, fulfilling each other's needs should be effortless, and a given, and a priority to both.

I know that when I love someone, really love them, I will do whatever I can to make them know it. And I am completely confident that they will know it, and will never doubt how important they are to me. After all, isn't that what real love is about?

Life is too short to spend it feeling disappointed, second-best, forgotten and lost. What's the point of that? My thought is, that if the person I am trying to coax to understand me doesn't understand me, then maybe my light was not shining bright enough in their eyes to see my soul, and how much it was pleading for them to recognize what I really needed. Maybe my light can only be seen by certain people in this world, and that person was not one of them.

However, there are other factors for two people not being in "synch" - daily life, stresses, philosophies, preoccupations, sure, and that is understandable. That would just mean that the timing for the two people is off, and not meant to be.

I believe there is meaning in every interaction in this world, and every person who comes into our lives is meant to for some reason to make us better, help us learn something. Maybe you will learn what is important to you, maybe you will learn what you really want in this life, maybe you will learn what you don't want in this life, maybe you will see what you cannot live without... For every conversation, every utterance of affection, every smile, every laugh, every tear, I am forever grateful. I would not give back any bit of what I have experienced. All of it has given me joy and hope and insight that has forever changed me.

Hamlaghk, Eni jaya...

So True!!

I had to laugh at this video...Going through some rough times lately, it was good to get a good laugh out!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsR2Mk4uh_4

Photography Therapy?

I noticed a big interest in photography therapy out there! I don't know a lot about the subject, but as a former music therapist, I do know that more unconventional and holistic therapies such as these can really have a strong and positive effect on a soul in need of repairing.

My experience with what I called photography therapy was very uplifting, and that was exactly what I was in need of. From what I have been reading on the subject, there have been 3 ways in which to implement photography therapy:

1) to have the client collect meaningful photographs from his/her past, and associate the feelings with looking at them, and the memories with their current situation

2)to have the client learn photography, which in turn can increase the use of muscles and nerves that were previously thought to be unusable, and can provide a means of expressing feelings and emotions through a non-threatening medium

3)to have the client pose for pictures which "tell his/her story", and let their inner beauty and light shine, so as to improve self-esteem, self-acceptance

I found a quote pertaining to this last method - "When the soul wishes to experience something, she throws an image of the experience out before her and enters into her own image."

How true! It almost reminds me of the law of attraction- how we are supposed to visualize the things, life, level of happiness we want, and then believe we will have it. Well what better way to help with the visualization, than to have someone actually take a picture of what we want to manifest in our lives?

This is what my post, "Photography Therapy" (a bit farther down in the blog) was all about. My friend Lee Ann agreed to help me out with my own self-acceptance and self-concept, which has taken a beating over the years due to various unpleasant experiences, and relationships in my past. I had total faith in her ability to do this for me, as her artistic ability to take insightful and meaningful pictures is always evident in her many other projects, whether it has been taking pictures of newborns, or expectant mothers, scenes in nature, or of her own children at home. I think her sensitivity to the world around her, and her sense of purpose in this life, and in every interaction here allows her to take pictures of something more than the obvious. This is the kind of individual who should be practising Photography Therapy.

I really hope I hear more about this field. It sounds very exciting! And when I look at the pictures that my friend took of me, for the purpose of building me up, I know that this therapy really works, based on how they make me feel. It is obviously a treatment that has merit! I really am in favour of all the new therapies coming out that touch on the soul in a meaningful way such as this. It's about time that we, as souls who have come to this classroom to learn valuable lessons here, take care of the part of our health that matters the most. When we take care of that, I think everything else will follow suit!

Fear at it's very Best

Fear creeps up on us every day, whether it's in life's daily challenges, or the big ones. It wraps you in it's clutches, and grabs on for dear life, until all that is left of you is an insecure, doubtful, skeptical lesser version of yourself.

Some fear is healthy, like the fear that gives you the adrenaline rush enough to get through a big presentation, or an evaluation, or an operatic performance in front of about 400 people! But the other fear, the soul leaching, negative, scary fear will bring you down with no mercy, and take it's toll on everything you hold dear - your health is usually the first to go, relationships, daily functioning... I feel have some pretty extensive knowledge about fear, because I have lived through some of the worst fear ever. As a result, I suffered greatly in all areas I just mentioned above. And, amazingly, what snapped me out of it, was an all-inclusive trip to Mexico, of all things! When I returned, I felt better, more clear-headed, more relaxed. It was just what I needed to put everything into perspective. I also had a blast while I was there (Cancun, spring break), but don't worry, I turned down the guys with the "Girls Gone Wild" video cameras!

However, after arriving back home, more calm and settled, I asked myself, why didnt I just have some faith? I could have saved myself a whole crap-load of trouble if I had just put my fate in the hands of a higher power, or at least surrendered my destiny to fate. :)

Looking back now, the problems I had then seem so small. Now there are much more serious problems to face, of course! Just keep reminding me that someday I will think they are small too, and there will be more challenging situations ahead!

I now have another important challenge on my plate, and am unsure how to handle all the details. Sometimes, the uncertainty of it all threatens to bring me down once again. However, this time, I have some insight about how "This too shall pass", and I am ready for whatever comes my way. I plan to surround myself in the love of others, who lift me up when I am down, and help me put things into perspective when I can't see clearly. I won't be "going down" this time!!!

"The beautiful thing about the desert is that somwhere it hides a well" ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Photography Therapy

A good friend of mine recently did the most amazing thing for me, she gave me photography therapy. She takes fantastic pictures, and I am sure by looking at them, you will see why it was "therapy" for me!

Look Who's Getting Bigger!

This is my favourite little guy (or girl, I don't know!). He's the chubbiest one in the group, and he loves to be petted. Did I tell you that I love animals? :) Happy Saturday!

Deep Love

Yesterday, after the kids and I had gotten ourselves ready for school in a rush (as usual), we set out on our usual route to first Tim Horton's (yey!), then Papa Eddie, who then gets them on the school bus. When we were about halfway to Tim's, we came up behind a school bus with the lights flashing. Once we got close enough, I realized that it was a bus for individuals with disabilities, and the bus driver was getting out to operate the lift for a young girl to drive her wheelchair up onto.

When the girl saw the bus driver, her face lit up with a huge smile, and the two shared short conversation as the lift was coming down. As I watched the bus driver help the girl back her chair up onto the lift, a warm feeling came over me, and then, as the bus driver then went around to the back of the bus, and carefully, patiently and lovingly strapped the girl's wheels to the floor of the bus, I began to cry. I was overcome with emotion, touched by the gentle loving-kindness of the bus driver toward her passenger. If only we had more people in the world like this. It was clear to see that this bus driver and the girl had established a rapport of trust and affection for each other.

The bus was stopped for quite some time, but instead of being irritated that I had had to wait for so long, when I was in a hurry to get off to work, I drove away with a feeling of hope and love, and a faith in humankind, and optimism about the future.

I learned later that the kids ended up missing their bus because of our unexpected hold-up that morning, but I wasn't sorry about it. Of course, I am a firm believer that nothing is coincidence, and every interaction and event has meaning in our lives. I was certainly meant to witness that bus stop, and I thank God for blessings like this that "jolt" me back to what is important. When life is a mess, and I can't figure things out, and everything seems impossible to deal with, small nudges to say "There is hope, there is love out there" are extraordinary gifts.

To that, I say, "Keep 'em coming!".
Keep your eyes peeled, everyone...there are messages out there to be deciphered! Are you getting any?

Mundane Monday

Hello!!! Well, I suppose I kept you in suspense about what happened on the weekend.... Well wait not longer, because I will tell you, it was not that exciting! Our lovely town is just not that interesting, and the night life is not that great.... However, Ana and I did manage to dance to a few tunes at the Gallery, a latino club downtown. It doesn't really get busy until 12 am, so we kind of hopped around from place to place until we stopped there. We both really needed the release of getting out and having a bit of fun, and I am glad we did, even though it was not that exciting!
Now it's back to Mundane Monday... oh well, summer is getting closer, every week!

Anabela

Here is my friend, resting up before a night out together at the bar.... I'll keep you posted about what happened!!

Thursday night Anticipation

Term 3 is just about to begin, but with this new beginning, I am also thinking about the end - of this school year. The blog I wrote earlier about New Beginnings made me think about how much I will miss my class, as hyperactive and silly they can sometimes be. When they all arrived on Monday morning, it appeared some of them had been feeling the same way I had, because this is just one example of many pictures, notes, and sentiments I received as they walked through the door. Now this makes me glad I became a teacher... I will admit that although the stress levels and exhaustion is usually high, but the notes like these and their little faces so excited to see me is something I will always cherish.
Also, earlier this week, something else happened that I had mentioned in my other blog: one of the girls called me "Mom" as she was asking me how to complete her assignment. I laughed to myself as the girl across the table from her said, "Don't be embarrassed about it, I do that all the time."
Once again back in our familiar and comfortable routines, me and my ducklings picked up where we left off, and got down to business.

Tomorrow is "dress down day", which I totally love. I am just not one to wear professional clothes, it's just not me. I am more of a jeans kind of girl. Maybe growing up on the farm did that to me. Tomorrow is also the day I come home and get into my pjs and just relax. Watch tv, surf the net, chat with friends, go for coffee, know that I can sleep in the next day...I LOVE FRIDAYS!! Can you tell? Happy Friday!

Speaking of "New Beginnings..."

Look what I found on my living room floor when I got home from work on Monday afternoon this week!

New Beginnings

Well, here I am at the end of my March Break, and as much as I hate to get back to the routines and long days, making lunches, and running back and forth to extracurricular activities in the evenings, I am ready to make a fresh start. I miss my students, I miss feeling loved unconditionally, I miss the distraction of doing my job while questions about relationships, and future possibilities hover above my head.

The school is like my second home. When I walk in in the mornings, I feel at ease, at home, in my territory. The sounds, the people, the PA system calling me, "Ms. Regehr, telephone, line one..." I am sure some of my coworkers would look at me like I had grown a 3rd eye to hear me say these things, because our jobs are so exhausting most of the time, but there is something really special about being someone special for a group of small human beings who, by June, become "family". Someone once referred to my class and I as "Momma Duck and the ducklings" as we walked down the hall together in a straight line. I do get called "Mommy" by mistake at least once a day - sorry moms out there, it happens! But when it does happen, a warmth comes over me, and I am honoured to be mistaken for such a trusted individual in these little lives. So tomorrow morning is just around the corner, but I guess I am not dreading it as much as I had thought. Alhamdolelah!

I also look forward to other new beginnings as well. Ever get punched in the stomach and got the air knocked out of you? Remember how it feels to finally take in that first good breath afterwards? It's kind of how I am feeling now...punched in the stomach, and just waiting for that first clear breath, when everything will suddenly become clear and make sense. Right now it seems as though I am wearing prescription glasses that I cant see out of. However, I do believe that everything has a way of working itself out, and what is meant to be, will be. I usually notice a sign or two (I believe in signs, and no coincidences), pointing me where I have to go and which direction will be the best for me...However, having no time to think about anything and being so busy I will fall in bed every night this week will be a blessing in disguise.

A quote about beginnings with hope for great possibilities:

"He has drawn back, only in order to have enough room for his leap." - Friedrich Nietzsche

A Night Out

Did you ever have an impromtu night out, and you went out, thinking it would be just like any other night, but it turned out to be a complete BLAST? I have a friend who always delivers on her promises of fun and laughter, and tonight we had another one of those nights. All we did was go out for dinner, and then for coffee at a small but swanky Portuguese cafe, but it was so much fun!
Sometimes being obnoxious can be so much fun! Not that I was, but watching it was just as amusing! :) I feel a change rippling through the universe. My friend, who is going through a nasty break-up is as much fun as she ever has been, optimistic when her world is falling apart... We can all learn something from people like this. God has given friends like this to us as precious gifts. I have to remind myself that every interaction we have on this earth is no coincidence. Each one was put in our paths to enrich our lives in a way that only we need it to. My thoughts are with this friend now, as she moves onto the next page in her book. I will miss her when she no longer lives beside me, knocking on my door at all hours, hugging me with such force after a night at the club that she knocks me backwards down onto the ground (ouch! - in a good way!), dancing the night away at the latino club in town, shaking her fist in the faces of gawking guys in my defence...

This rippling change I feel coming, seems to be affecting many people, not just me. It reminds me of our delicate network here on earth, and that each intereaction is meant to be meaningful, and make some kind of impact on our lives. So, the next time you bump into someone you have not seen for a while, or get a telephone call from a long lost relative, or just exchange a glance with someone across the room, think about what that interaction can mean. It might bring about some real insight that maybe you needed.

As for me and my friend, this interaction we've shared over the last 6 years will always have a special place in my heart. Her impact will always shine simple happiness and laughter into my world, and make ripples in my life for a long time to come. Hopefully, we can keep in touch as she moves on to bigger and better things. I don't think she knows how precious she has been to me, but I will be sure to let her know!

And the earth rumbles beneath our feet... Can you feel it?!?

Just me...

It's 12:30 am here, and I am still up, thinking about how wonderful it will be to take a break next week for the March Break. That means I will have a whole week off, just to do the things I have not had time yet to do. I was reading somewhere about how you can take a vacation inside your own home - just shut off your phone's ringer, stay in your pyjamas all day (if you want!), sit by the fire, sleep when you want to, go tour your own town, and make plans with friends at any old time.
It sounds good to me! I will have to start planning my "indoor vacation" right away! No passport needed (although mine is still up-to-date)!
Well tomorrow is a student-teacher volleyball game at school. I might want to get some sleep so I can be prepared to kick some butt, so mine doesn't get kicked!

For interest sake, I thought I would post my horoscope for today: (Not that I am a believer in it, just got a kick out of it).

Gemini
"Don't give in to what everyone else thinks or wants to do. Follow your own ideas and, if that means opening up new friendships, that's what you have to do. You can't let anyone hold you back."

No novels today! :) Sorry, this was a boring blog...
Have a good one!

YES!!

It's 7:10 am, and I have already gotten ready for work, made lunches, cleaned up the messiest kitchen in the world, and taken out the garbage. I guess that's what happens when you get up at 5:45 am... Who would have thought...? :)
I have been in a particularly reflective mood lately, thinking a lot about change. How it can seem so scary, yet so exhilarating at the same time. How it can seem so unreachable at times, but also closer than we imagined? I believe that we have a duty as human beings to live our lives to the fullest, and to be the best we can every day, and in all situations. Sometimes that means doing things that can be unpleasant for the moment, (like ripping off a bandaid) but great in the end.
This week at work, some people from the board office will be walking through my classroom, as well as all the others in the building. As a school, we are all wondering and hoping that we are doing what this group wants to see, and we are doing everything we can to strive for excellency to "make the grade".

I wonder to myself, "Why is it, that we as professionals, or people of the community can do so much in our job settings or our roles in the community, but cut corners on the "work" we do on ourselves?" I myself have been working hard to prepare for this visit at school, (and stressing out as well) tiring myself out and stretching myself too thin in the process.

So, some personal questions were posed for me earlier this week, asking me to take a leap of faith, to honour myself, and to allow myself to see I deserve all the happiness and joy this life has to offer. If I say no to this possibility, then I am cutting off my oxygen supply, slowly killing my soul, faith, life, light....

However, anyone who knows me, knows I won't go for that! :)

On to the next chapter!

Why, Why, Why?,

This is a complete shift in the focus of my blog, but I thought I'd write about some people who need my angels (as well as their own) a little more than I do these days. A cause that is close to my heart is defending the innocence of the Gazans in Palestine. I am in my comfortable country, far from knowing any fear about what is going on outside my home, well fed, having healthy and happy kids....and I mourn for these people who are facing the unimaginable. I feel powerless. I want to take all those children there into my home and dry their tears. But I can't. It seems that although many people around the world feel exactly the way I do, a very influential power in our world is "slapping the hands" of anyone that tries to lift a finger to help.

Here is a response I wrote to some posts in a discussion board about this issue:

I have been following all the recent posts, which have prompted me to share my thoughts again, as I feel that some of the major points are not being addressed.Hamas might be wrong for firing missiles into Israel, but here's a thought: Maybe its because they have slowly lost their land over the past 50 years, maybe its because Israelis leave farmers weeping as their orchards that took generations to establish are being uprooted and their farms being bulldozed down, maybe its because a wall has been built, cutting Palestinians off from their homeland, maybe it's because some big BULLIES have been terrorizing them for YEARS, making no apologies, just to gain some REAL ESTATE. And NOW...the final straw... Isrealies have turned Gaza Strip into the biggest prison in the world, slowly strangulating the people inside, depriving them of basic needs, leaving them to die like dogs. Cancer patients are dying because of lack of resources for care, doctors have no materials or machines to work with to save people, people are now scavenging in garbage dumps for food...

What if one day, someone came into your house with a gun and said, "Get out!" and you asked "Why?" And there was no answer. "Because we say so". Would you say "Well, ok" and leave? Or would you fight for your home? Would you watch your kids die from lack or services or basic needs? NEVER!! It makes me laugh when I see someone on the news, claiming that Israel is acting in self-defence. I think to myself, "Do they not know how completely ridiculous they sound? Do they not know they are not fooling anyone?" I recently was at a peace rally in my city for the pleight of the Gazans, where I saw just horrible images of the assault. A baby, only about 1 week old, with a gaping hole in his back, dead children lined up on a hospital floor, mutilated, brain-damaged civilians... Naturally, I started to become emotional, and I dont even know anyone who lives there, or have family there! We are all made in God's image, and so all our souls have access to compassion and empathy.

I KNOW these people know they are doing something evil....and rest assured, they will answer to a higher power someday soon. They will have to face a wrath far more terrible than a few missiles... They will have to go to sleep with the images of people's houses , children's schools, places of worship being bombed, exploding with fire, the images of bloody children in their heads...that's worse than any hell, I would think. That's the only justice here. If they are the "chosen" people, as they say, they must live up to this "legacy". God would not select a people as HIS "chosen" people who were murderers, without conscience!!! What are they THINKING??? And God would not select a people who have so much disgust for another group of people. I have heard over and over from Israelis that "Arabs are dirty, and behave like animals, etc..." ridiculing their religion (even though we worship the same God. I myself am Christian) This kind of discrimination, distain and hatred would NEVER be condoned by God. EVER!!!

And EVEN if we are misinformed, like previous comments have indicated, it's clear we are not misinformed that the Israelies have the upper hand and are applying way too much force to be acting in DEFENSE! The images that I watch on Al Jazeera every day DONT LIE! A school is NOT a military target! A mosque is NOT a military target! Apartments are NOT military targets!!

The most recent images I have burned into my memory are those from the news last night, where a father, obviously delirious from grief was shown picking up his 4 babies' lifeless bodies, one at a time, ripping open their clothes and to show the interviewer each of their fatal wounds. The ages seemed to range from 4 months to about 6 years, all lifeless, grey-faced and eyes still open... I realize that God has a plan for all of us, and that all our lives are precious and sever such an important and Divine purpose, but that didn't make me feel any better as I watched these kids being picked up with bullet holes in their chests and bloody heads.

We, as human beings around the whole world need to reflect on what our higher purposes are during our short times on earth. After we die, will our short times be remembered as having some kind of positive impact, will we waste it on such trivial issues as the bickering about the ownership of a small piece of land, or will we have no impact at all, because we didn't stand up and make our voices heard around the world when something this sickening was going on?

Little did those small souls on the news last night know that their short lives would serve such a significant purpose in our earth's history. The election of the US's first black president gave us the first glimpse of how our world is evolving, giving us hope that we are making God proud of us. Similarly, through all this tragedy, I think what we are meant to learn from this, and what I see happening around the world more and more in the last couple of weeks, is that we are slowly coming together to make our voices heard, despite race, colour, religion, and hopefully, if we yell loudly enough, something will be done.

My God is a loving God, kind gentle, caring for ALL his children... Let's make Him proud and stand up for those without voices...Good luck to those who who are now defying His teachings of love and kindness for the world, and hurting his most precious children...

God bless and keep the innocent victims and familes. You will be in my prayers always.

Rose
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